Move aside Anthony Bourdain

I'm done waiting for you, Anthony Bourdain. That hard-to-get game just isn't working on me. Your charm, your sexy ruggedness, your screw-the-world attitude... it's not cutting it anymore. It's not me, it's you. All you do is talk talk talk and eat strange foods and try to make me jealous on 'No Reservations'. I can't deal with you traveling all the time, leaving me by my lonesome self.

So I found someone new. Someone who didn't recently kick a drug habit. Someone who whispers French sweet nothings in my ear at night. Someone who shares his talent with me. I know he's your buddy, but that's how it goes sometimes.

Oh, Eric Ripert, how I swoon over your always perfect hair and handsome blog. Your 'Get Toasted' videos always leave my passion for you even toastier than before. Your recipes highlight simple ingredients with refreshing flavors that I can make even while you distract me with your sultry accent.

Goodbye, Tony, I need you no more.